TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely away from place. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have Yet another position where by American Adult males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he really should quit applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the project, replied, "You know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


Yet another post Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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